My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
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I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him